Republicans In Europe, Morning Herald (Article, 1839)
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REPUBLICANS IN EUROPE.--A great number of republicans and democrats, including two sons of His Democratic Majesty, have gone to Europe for the benefit of their health, their intellect, their pockets, their manners, and their grammar; and strange to say, as many of these republicans as can get a clean shirt and a good pair of breeches are presented to the Queen, and become good royalists ever after. They become entirely changed; and by the time Mr. Webster and others get back to America, they will be in a fit state to second Mr. Van Buren in all his movements. No class of persons seem so devoted to all the forms and fashions of royalty as the pure republicans of America; and we really begin to think that democracy means nothing more or less than royalty of the purest water, 23 carats fine. We are all becoming royally drunk or royally ridiculous by the intercourse and march of steam. Steam is changing every thing; steam is turning the world upside down, and playing the very devil with every body.
By the aid of steam His Democratic Majesty sent his two princely sons to be introduced to Queen Victoria; by the aid of steam Mr. Webster dined and drank wine with the Queen, and danced at her ball. By the aid of steam the Atlantic has lost half its width. By the aid of steam Mr. Clay is making a royal progress in the West, and Mr. Van Buren a royal progress in the East. Steam does it all, and by the aid of steam we are all going to the devil. The conjuction of the two royal planets will take place over a cool spring at Saratoga, where the two monarchs can take a glass of Congress Water, cool themselves off, and recover their senses. In short, all the wisdom, folly, wit, d--d nonsense, philosophy, piety, roguery, genius, twaddle, and intellect, are getting so mixed up by means of steam, that a man hardly knows what he is, whether he is himself or somebody else, or whether he is a man or only a woman in breeches. In short, steam is unsexing the world, and turning it upside down. Mr. Clay is delivering speeches by steam over the Falls of Niagara, and Mr. Van Buren is doing the same over his cabbages at Kinderhook; both great affairsbut Mr. Clay's is by far the greatest. In short, he is the greatest man of the day--the only great man there is in teh world; and tomorrow we shall probably translate his great speech into English, for the benefit of posterity. He, nor no one else will ever speak a greater speech this side the grave, whatever they may do the other. We doubt whether another so great speech [unclear] which is to come. Theree may possibly be as great a speech made on the day of judgment; but it is d--d doubtful, unless there is plenty of steam there. By steam we are all losing our distinctive character--tories are becoming radicals--and locofocos, royalists. We might safely offer a reward of $1,000 for a democrat; for we couldn't find one. We might ofer a $1000 reward for a Whig, or a royalist; but we couldn't find one. We might safely offer a $1000 reward for the devil; but he couldn't be found; for steam has so completely changed His [Satanic] Majesty, that he would be mistaken for an angel of light. We are all out of join; and we want an earthquake, or a thunder storm, or a thundering universal concussion, or a flood, or a general tearing up of every thing, to set us straight again. The world doesn't run round fast enough; the precession of the equinoxes, which took place once in 5000 or 6000 years, ought to take place every five or six years; the attraction of gravitation, the centripetal and centrifugal forces must all be superseded by steam, and we must sweat less and swear more, and so work out our soul's salvation.
